im going to delete this time capsule of drug induced self indulgence.
the truth is, this entire blog began when i decided i really didnt have much to live for. i have been using drugs/drinking since i was 12, and this marks my last bout was with heroin and inhalants, used for the immediate blackout effect so similar to what i imagined my nearing death to be like. i didnt try to get better. i gave up. i didnt care about anything anymore at all…. just writing random pointless bullshit on some anonymous blog that strangers may read for entertainment.
now all of it seems ridiculous and a waste of my time (which has become quite valuable to me now). i have been sober for about half a year now, and i am determined and dedicated. my creativity is back, my empathy has returned, and my motivation grows everyday.
the place i was living in when i wrote the majority of this blog was very dark and empty, accessorized with hallucinations. these submissions remind me of the mask i hid behind as i slowly committed suicide. i can honestly say that i do not recall the things i said, songs i posted or pictures i took just as much as i do not recognize the person who wrote them.
there is nothing for me to learn by re-visiting this time capsule of when my disease nearly consumed me. i dont know if there is much for anyone else to learn from it, besides how easily one who is so far gone can trick those they depend on in order to justify their undoubtedly destructive degree of denial. all i can really say is that if you know someone who is an addict or alcoholic, do not judge them or pretend they do not exist. in also, dont expect them to quit for the reason of love. taking their drugs away or telling them that they are stupid will probably make it worse. be observant and know what the signs are. mention treatment and tell them that you will love them no matter what. tell that person that they arent worthless, even in you are the very person who has to drag their ass to the hospital at 3am. i would be dead right now if my sister didn’t pretend like what i was doing wasn’t a big deal.
its been very difficult for me to come to terms with the amount of people that viewed me as a source of amusement or who ignored me or who egged me on to drink or do more. i feel like i am starting my life over because i have been high for over half my life. being sober is kind of like a new drug for me to try out. i am just so glad that my head is clear enough to learn from the massive amount of mistakes i have made in the past 15 years. i am planning to go back to school to finish getting my psychology degree and specialize in addiction, so someday i can be a therapist for other young addicts on recovery.
but in this moment, im so done with this blogging crap. peace out.
today was the first day i signed my name as Lee.
don’t wanna drown….. BLEGHPHAA HELP! *coughcough* ME!!!!
I WANNA WANNA!!!!!
this song plays in my head when i make-out with girls in the back of taxi cabs, not that i do that often or anything….
every once and while when the world pisses me off greatly, i go back in time to when things were much more pleasant and binge on L7. come with me.
i just realized that i was wrong when i said the drugs were bad for me. they’re fucking stupendous! the thing is that i am just bad for myself.
your smile is narcotic. you force me to breathe through my heart. each beat produces another image. a reminder that we’re apart.
my adoration for you is painful. but there is no pleasure without it. i want you to understand. but it would take a lifetime to tell you about it.